Clap Hands, Here Come Inadequates!

It seems clear that university admissions boards must review on what basis young adults gain entry to the groves of academe.

In my day, sufficient passes of a good standard were all that were required.

We were all so proud and pleased.

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I’m not sure, but I may well have clapped my hands with delight when I received my letter of acceptance. For sure my Mother did.

Certainly I let out a whoop of glee.

But now the pinkos and pansies of Manchester Students Union have voted, wait for it, to BAN clapping.


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‘…because it could trigger anxiety!’

Oh, boo-hoo-hoo!

What a pathetic crowd of weeping willows!

… the loud noise of traditional clapping could pose anxiety or sensory issues…



That’s the obvious response, but in reality, this rubbish deserves serious thought. Clearly a significant number of undergrad admissions are unfit for higher education.

I’m surprised they made it past kindergarten and one suspects many conceal nappies ( diapers, for American readers!) under their fashionably ragged jeans.

Those who find clapping makes them anxious might usefully be sent on compulsory courses to remedy their inadequacy.


Live ammo SAS exercises would be perfect!

If any mincing ninnies are discovered sobbing under a bush with soiled underwear?

The latter-day fontleroys should be told straight – only grown-ups are acceptable at British universities.

But there’s more!

British Sign Language clapping or jazz hands would be a more inclusive form of expression


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Whatever happened to the Golden Calf of ‘Diversity?’


However, if Sign Language is to soothe poncey little twits’ sensitivities…


God knows what ‘Jazz Hands’ may be – oops! The move is performed by tilting the head slightly, shimmering the hands with fingers splayed either side of the face and crying ‘Jazz Hands!’ with an enthusiastic smile. Think Jack from Will and Grace.   Thanks, Urban Dictionary. Like, who the heck are Jack, Will and Grace?
This is ever more troubling – imagine a room full of fools capering like gibbons in the above manner?


…why not borrow from the blind as well as the deaf?

I imagine that if cheerful applause makes some floppy little fops all fretty, so being observed by less degenerate students must also leave them in a dreadfully stressed state – so why not have everyone wear a blindfold?


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